From Janaya: Is it kosher to have good friends of the opposite sex after you're married?
This is a loaded question with a loaded answer, because there are a lot of variables and possibilities. On the surface, yes, you can have good friends of the opposite sex after you're married. I mean, I had lots of guy friends growing up and in college, so it's a little weird if I swear off the gender now that I'm married. Plus, it's only natural to want to maintain friendships with any of your good friends.
But what does a friendship entail? The occasional email or phone call? Meeting up for lunch along with your spouse or the guy's spouse? Because all of that is kosher in my opinion. The more alone time and more secrecy involved, the more likely you are putting your friendship and marriage in jeopardy, or at least ticking off someone's spouse. So, as Miss Dub says, "Don't do dat!"
And who is this guy? A former friend or a former flame? Because if he's your former boyfriend of 15 years, who tried to persuade you to break of your engagement with your husband and likes to chat online EVERY DAY, then you are probably better off restricting communications to the annual Christmas letter. (We are clear on how those work, right?)
As for making new guy friends after marriage ... that's a little stranger to me. You are naturally going to become friends with coworkers and other important men in your life, but pursuing good guy buds after marriage is a little weird to me, mostly because I find myself gravitating more towards women now that I'm married. I get plenty of guy time at home and just don't feel comfortable chatting it up with men beyond basic conversation.
Finally, just think of your husband. Mr. Dub has a few old gal pals that he keeps in touch with, but all of them have become my friends, so there's no secrecy. He also has lots of female coworkers, but he doesn't have lunch alone with ONE of them every day, which is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. The thought of him spending large amounts of time with any woman besides me can get me a little hot 'n bothered. I don't want him to do it, so I don't do it myself.
What do you think?
Is it OK to have friends of the opposite sex after marriage?
What is/isn't appropriate? (I'm thinking kissing might be a no-no.)
19 December 2008
HTF - Friends without benefits
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17 comments:
i think you positively hit the nail on the head. i agree with everything you said!
i agree with leslie... i think you got it exactly right! i too agree with everything you said!
I feel that if you are up front with your spouse about who you are friends with (especially if it's a former flame), then it's perfectly fine to remain friends with people of the opposite gender. If you try to hide it, then that can become a problem.
As far as I'm concerned there should be absolutely no physical (obviously!) or emotional(not so obvious)intimacy with anyone of the opposite sex. No long lunches or phone conversations. No e-mails or text messages of a personal nature (beyond the general I'm fine, how are you? chit-chat.) No close relationships. I just don't go there.
I agree with everything you said. I had a coworker I was friends with years ago and his fiance wanted nothing to do with me (though Greg met me and this guy out after work and they got along great--I didn't spend time alone with this guy other than work related)--meaning, it's not like she met me and had a reason not to like me. She refused to get to know me. That ruined everything. The guy wanted to continue to be friends, and I couldn't deal b/c I was always worried that she was suspicious of me. Seemed to me that it spoke of some issue between them more than anything.
But it is a shame, because men and women can feel connected in a strictly platonic way. But as a married couple, I don't think you can have a fully vested friendship unless both parties spouses are on board.
Plus, I competely agree with you on marriage leading me to be much more interested in fostering relationships with women. Also, losing my mother makes me want to surround myself with nurturing women.
:)
Having my dad and husband and my husband's two bros are enough testosterone for me!
So, I'm grateful that Mrs. Dub welcomes me, and that Mr. Dub & Mr. V get along. I'm blessed with another nurturing female friend and I get to be friends with the Mr.!
totally agree with all of this. I have one former flame (as in we went on lots of dates, but it never got really serious) who got married and our friendship kind of died after because I got weird vibes from his wife. However, now that I'm married we've been able to become good friends again and everyone seems comfortable with it. I think it's a balance with each relationship and I'd rather err on the side of letting friendships go than erring on the side of something inappropriate.
I agree with you - not much more to add. I am friends with my husband's female friends - no secrets.
My man and I had this conversation shortly after getting married. It was something I had never thought about before. I have guy friends who were never anything more than friends, but after getting married, it didn't seem appropriate to spend time alone with them anymore. So if I do get together with these friends, it's either in a group or with my husband.
On the other hand, I've had an occasional meal alone with my gay guy friends, and my husband and I both agree that's okay. So I guess the only guys who get the shaft are the straight friends.
Facebook Friends: yes
Friends you spend any time alone with: no
I don't see any reason to regularly chat, text, visit or e-mail any man that isn't my husband, and I don't think I would be ok with him calling, texting, visiting or e-mailing any other woman/old friend "casually."
I know sometimes with work etc going out one on one with someone of the opposite sex is necessary, and not wrong, but I think it should be avoided. Can't you bring along a 3rd person most of the time? And if you do go out with someone of the opposite sex alone for some reason, any negative talk about your spouse or marriage issues is for sure a no-no. I would not want to hang out with old boyfriends, but if everyone was ok with it I think it's fine as long as your spouses are there.
I AGREE!
BECAUSE I have had a few friendships with males who I worked with in the community art groups and they ALWAYS started making me feel uncomfortable after awhile, asking me to lunch or coffee(pop for me). Anyway, I declined each invitation and sort of nipped those friendships. Too bad hetro men friends always start to want you know what...(in my humble opinion)
Like you, I had a lot of close guy friends growing up. They all disappeared once I got married. At first I was bugged, but the same thing happened to all my husbands close girl friends - and I loved that. With male coworkers and male friends that have stuck around, no matter how close we are or non-attracted I am to them, I look at it this way: would I want my husband interacting with another female like this? We've never had a problem with friends of the opposite sex in our marriage, but I've seen someone else go through an innocent opposite sex friendships that turned into an affair - sad stuff. The only exception is my closest guy friend, who is gay. We chat/e-mail/facebook/blog/call/lunch. DH is fine with this for the obvious reason.
(And p.s. - hi Mrs. Dub! It's your old college classmate Amelia. Longtime lurker, pledging to comment more.)
The whole friend thing is SOOOOO mush easier when everyone is married and it becomes a couples friend thing. We are having a get together iver Christmas with my husband's high school friends including his long time girlfriend and it's all coo now that we are all married, but was totally unthinkable when some in the group were still un-attached.
guys friends are hard. i've always had more guy friends then girls, so getting married was a real change for me. although my hubby has gotten to be friends with several of my guy friends from before the marriage, and while i was working he was buddy buddy with my co-workers... it's just too hard now that i'm married. basically i agree with everything you already said.
How funny, I was just talking with a friend about this the other day! I have to say, it's a slippery slope. When we first got married hubs had a few female friends that he was still in contact with, one of whom was a serious girlfriend who had moved away. It made me uncomfortable - not because I didn't trust him, but because I didn't trust the situation. You never know what could happen. Thankfully, I married an awesome man and he did break contact as soon as I told him how I felt!
I've known my wife for 10 years, married 7. In all this time, she kept in touch with what I thought was just a friend. He was an old flame of hers but I was told early on (and assumed after 10 years) that he was just a friend. She went to a conference in July, he lived in the same city. They decided it would be a good idea to get together for dinner and catch up. I was thousands of miles away at home with our daughter.
We're still working on the happy ending.
what about the husbands of good friends that you get along with? because i would say that i've made friends with some guys after i married, but they're my friend's husbands that i just like a whole lot. we don't chat on the phone or anything, but when my friend is working and my husband and i are going on a hike, we'll call her husband to come along. and when another friend is out of town, we call her husband and have him come over for dinner.
there's a man in my neighborhood that i really enjoy. he's a stay-at-home dad, so in a way, he's just like me. we do laundry, we watch children, we both were literature majors in college, we both cook the dinners. my husband said he wasn't comfortable with us having playdates alone. i totally get this. here is a man who has way more time than my husband and can understand my life on a level deeper than my husband. of course he doesn't want me to further the relationship. if there were a woman equivalent in my husband's life, i'd feel the same way.
ps two of my really good friends are guys (from before marriage) and i think the only reason we are still good friends is because we never dated or thought about dating. i don't think my husband would be okay with me being friends with someone i dated or had feelings for.
okay, i'm done.
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